An Impressive Beginning: A Timed Writing From First Week Other Class

QUESTION:

Should we judge people by their external appearances? Why or why not? Please give specific details and examples to present your answer.

[DR. J liked this essay very much because it shows a good beginning. Please see his comments in purple. I don't mean grammar or spelling comments. I mean his writing organization comments BELOW.]

ORIGINAL STUDENT WORK

I agree with the statement that one should never judge a person by external appearances, although most people’s impression to do so. My reasons will be discussed in the following paragraphs.
First, judging a person by external appearances is very subjective. A saying goes “never judge a book by its cover.” If you do so, you might miss a chance to broaden your knowledge and view. The same reason, if we judge a person by external appearances, we might lose the opportunity to know a valuable person.
Secondly, judging a person by external appearances might let you lose money. There are so many liers and phony people in the world. Their best dequise is looking good which can really gain people’s trust. At the end, you will find out they really are and what they want – your money.
Third, judging a person by external appearances might let you feel regards forever. Some people fall in love at first sight and get married immediately. They never spend time to get along and know each other better. The result is regret and divorce. And a lot of sorrow for the rest of their lives.
According to the above reasons, I agree with the statement that one should never judge a person by external appearances. Be objective, not subjective. [END]

DR. J's Comments Added to Work

[Add a grabber sentence that catches the reader's attention better! Like: Have you ever met a person who dressed like a homeless person who was really a millionaire? Then go into your essay.]I agree with the statement that one should never judge a person by external appearances, although most people’s impression to do so. My reasons will be discussed in the following paragraphs. [Here, you should give a simple thesis statement that tells the points you will be discussing in the essay. Like I said, a timed writing usually only has time for two -THREE at most - body paragraphs.]
First [of all], judging a person by external appearances is very subjective. A saying goes “never judge a book by its cover.” If you do so, you might miss a chance to broaden your knowledge and view. [Give us an example to add depth and support and, to be honest, length, to this paragraph!] [By ...]The same reason, if we judge a person by external appearances, we might lose the opportunity to know a valuable person.
[I prefer a transition sentence that says: "In addition to "whatever I said in the first paragraph topic sentence" ..., "the stuff I'm going to talk about in the next topic sentence is another reason why blah blah blah...] Secondly, judging a person by external appearances might let you lose money. There are so many liers and phony people in the world. Their best dequise is looking good which can really gain people’s trust. At the end, you will find out they really are and what they want – your money. [Nice little conclusion to this paragraph! You are a good writer!]
[PERSONALLY, I don't think that THREE paragraphs is possible in such a short amount of time. Try to do just two and develop them well with exemplification and with good sentence variety. Three is too much, I believe.] Third, judging a person by external appearances might let you feel regards forever. Some people fall in love at first sight and get married immediately. They never spend time to get along and know each other better. The result is regret and divorce. And a lot of sorrow for the rest of their lives.
[You could say, "In conclusion" which is liked by some and disliked by others or you could simply repeat your thesis statement in a restated way ..."] According to the above reasons, I agree with the statement that one should never judge a person by external appearances. [TRY TO ADD ONE OR TWO SENTENCES HERE! DIFFICULT BUT EFFECTIVE] [For these reasons, it is best to strive to be an objective person rather than a subjective one ... Often what we see is not always what we get...] Be objective, not subjective.

DR. J's FINAL COMMENTS

I liked this essay because it shows much of the organization that we are aiming for. It is divided into different sections and even attempts to elaborate on three points. I was very impressed with this essay because it was completed in only 20 minutes and was organized so well. However, we need to try to limit our paragraphs, I believe into two body paragraphs and come up with effective grabber first sentences and concluding sentences that "elevate the paper!" Good Job! We will discuss this more!

Dr. J